I am exhausted. It is 8:51 on a Friday night as I start to write this entry, and I am ready for bed. My husband is upstairs tucking in the last of the stragglers, but he just called down to ask me if I want to watch a movie tonight. I do! I really do! I hope I can stay awake until the end.

Friday nights seem to be when I reach the end of my energy reserves. I have been going all week-long – home schooling, cooking, cleaning, chauffeuring and mediating and I have used up all of my reserve tank. I am so thankful that my husband gets to stay home tomorrow and I am already dreaming about the nap I might take. You understand, don’t you? I mean, look at the energy and controlled chaos that I surround myself with every day…..

However, as I sit here typing, I am not feeling on-the-verge-of-tears, I-wasn’t-yelling-at-you-just-talking-loudly, maybe-it-would-be-better-if-I-left-the-room kind of exhaustion. It is just plain tired.

I hear my husband praying with our little boys. They are so full of questions! All the time, really, but especially at bedtime.

“Which one win a fight, Dad, a shark or a hyena?”

“Why we change underwear everyday, everyday, everyday? They no dirty!”

“Do snakes poop? I no think so because they no have any bottom.” (True story. I am not making this stuff up, people!)

Those boys make me laugh everyday. It is such a treat to view our world through those little eyes. Everything is new! Everything is amazing! Just the other day when we were driving home, Micah had me literally crying with laughter at his interpretation of this sign…..

“I know what this sign mean, Mom. It mean no wiping your bottom here.” Absolutely, son. There is no wiping your bottom here.

Joel is in his room right now with a friend. They are building Legos, discussing the Lord of the Rings (VERY important discussion, I am told), and trying to figure out how much it would cost for a trip to New Zealand (where Lord of the Rings was filmed, don’t you know that Mom?!?!). That oldest son of mine blesses me every day. Last Friday, when I was feeling the “maybe-it-would-be-better-if-I-left-the-room” kind of exhaustion, he volunteered to clean the kitchen after dinner. And he said, “No problem, Mom!” when I thanked him for it. He still wonders sometimes why his new brothers and sisters aren’t always nice to him, but he is trying so hard to put himself in their shoes and be understanding.

I hear the girls giggling in their bedroom. They have bunk beds up there, and each girl has their own space. But this week they convinced us to pull all of the mattresses off the frames and arrange them on the floor into one extra-large bed. And they have been sleeping there, together, every night. They tell each other stories. They play-act with their dolls and stuffed animals. I taught them the game I used to play with my sister when we were growing up – using their fingers to draw stories on each others backs and then guessing the story. They take turns having the honor of being the last guesser, because that girl is the lucky one who gets to relax right before drifting off to sleep. Every night I think I should go upstairs and make them stop playing so they can get some rest. Every night I don’t do it because my heart is happy as I listen to them simply being sisters.

Micah and Naomi started reading! Did you know that? Very basic, still, but reading! Simple books with simple words, but you should see the pride on their faces as they read aloud to me. Those two darlings went from learning their alphabet, to learning their letter sounds, to beginning readers in only 6 months!

Levi is now riding his bicycle without training wheels. He had never ridden a bike before he came to America. The first time he sat on it and picked up his feet, he was adamant that the bicycle was broken because it did not go. Also, he was sure the tires were broken because the bike kept tipping to one side. We put on his training wheels and he was moving at full-speed within days. Now, 6 months later, he doesn’t need any help at all. That little guy is a tornado of energy. He never stops moving. Never sits still. Never stops talking and asking questions. Never stops laughing.

Hannah no longer cries every day. Oh, for a while there, we were dealing with tears and hurt feelings and a sort of grief for the loss of her always-available-Mommy. But she is now reveling in her new role as a sister. Hannah and Naomi are developing a special relationship. It helps that Hannah likes to be the leader and Naomi likes to follow. And it really helps that the girls no longer fight over matching underwear!

I see such hope when I look at Leah. She started counseling and has been slowly working through her feelings. She is learning how to deal with the anger, the hurt, and the sadness that overtake her at times. We still have bad days, and those bad days really are just as bad. But the good days are more frequent. And they are a better kind of good day than we have ever had before. She is allowing her heart to open to us. She accepts our love, our hugs, our comfort. And, sometimes, she even returns them. I see her trying so hard! She made dinner this week. It was her idea and she took over the kitchen, not letting me lift a finger to help!

And tonight – when she saw that I had not stopped to eat dinner because I was busy pouring milk, and getting clean forks when one fell on the floor, and dishing up seconds, and wiping up the spilt milk, and buttering bread – she quietly poured my water, set a napkin by my plate, and then pulled my hand and said, “Sit down, Mommy. Eat. You need to eat and I know you hungry.” My heart thrilled because I know she cares. She really does. Even if she doesn’t allow herself to admit it, yet.

I just realized how quiet it is in the little boys’ room. I am pretty sure I know what that means….

You all are going to think I made this up. Seriously, now, friends. This is what I found. Scott fell asleep while he was tucking in the littles. I guess that means I no longer have a movie date for tonight.

But, do you know what I do have? A house full of love. A heart full of hope for my children’s future. A life full of joy.

So, yes, I am exhausted. And, yes, I am going to bed at 10:00 on a Friday night. But I wouldn’t want it any other way.

Blessings!

Natalie

One of the reasons I started this blog was so that the ripples from God’s movement in my life could spread out and touch others. I want God to be seen, and heard, and felt through my family. I don’t want anyone who meets me to ever wonder WHY we are doing what we are doing. I want it to be obvious. God asked. We said yes.

But, I have realized more than ever lately, there is more to our journey.

Someone planted a seed. Someone else’s story made us sit up and take notice. It was God’s work in someone else’s life that made us take a hard look at our own hearts and ask ourselves, “What more can we be doing?”

The Matos family.

Chris is a pastor at our church (and he was Scott’s college room-mate!). Jessica is a stay at home mom – to 7!!! They have adopted 4 of their beautiful children. We watched them love and nurture and raise their family. We watched God at work in their lives. And we heard the first whisper from God, “Only them? Or maybe you, too?”

After we said yes to God, Chris and Jessica were the first people to give us a donation towards our adoption fees.

When we received our referral for 3 children, and then our agency asked us about the possible 4th, Chris and Jessica came to dinner at our house and said, “If not you, then who?”

And, for the past 6 months, whenever I feel like crying, or have a question, or need to spill out the angry words that have been building in my heart, I call Jessica. And she always speaks truth and grace to me.

God uses Chris and Jessica Matos to encourage us, to love us, to challenge us, and to spur us on.

I want for some other family – maybe months from now, maybe years from now – to say the same thing about us. I want them to trace the beginning of their adoption story back to the time they saw our family, or read our blog, or heard our story and they heard a whisper in their own hearts. “Only them? Or maybe you, too?”

I was at a birthday party last weekend with many families from our church. It was a birthday party that was planned in only 2 days because it was unknown if the birthday boy was going to be here or not. He is a darling, hurting, loved little boy who is currently being fostered by some of our friends – Gordon and LynnAnne DeWitt. Who knows? When did they first hear the whisper in their hearts? What stirred them to action?

Attending that party were many families who came to support and love on this little boy.

Attending that party were 14 children who are either fostered or adopted.

14 children who needed a loving home and found one.

14 children who have their lives impacted for eternity.

14 children who are no longer alone.

Griff and Nurina Tonkin were there. They are currently fostering a beautiful teenage girl and they have another child coming to their home this week. When did they first hear the whisper in their hearts?

Joe and Kara Ayer were at that party. They now have 6 children – 3 biological and 3 they are fostering. When did they first hear the whisper?

The DeWitts, they have 5 children – 2 of whom were recently placed in their home through foster care. When did the DeWitts first hear the whisper?

Of course, Chris and Jessica Matos and their 7 children were at the party. When did they first hear the whisper?

Despite the heartache, the pain, the tears, and the stress and

because of the joy, the love, the blessings, the hope I see in our beautiful children…

I am thankful that I listened to God’s whisper in my heart.

Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper. 1 Kings 19:11-12

I am thankful for my community of friends.

And I am thankful for the Matos family.

Blessings!

Natalie

February 16th, 2012….it has been one year.

One year since we got the call asking if we would become parents to three (possibly four) more beautiful children.

One year of knowing their names.

One year since we saw their faces for the first time.

These photos were taken on the day our children entered the orphanage.

Looking at these pictures makes me weep.

Look at their eyes.

Look closely.

Those eyes are full of sorrow. They know pain. They know trials. They know hopeless.

What thoughts were filling their minds? What emotions were flooding their hearts? Where was God on that day?

And these….the referral photos. These are attached to our children’s orphanage files. These are the photos that are sent to prospective families.

Of course, Leah’s journey was different than her siblings. She had no orphanage file. And so we took our own photo of her. This picture was taken the first time we met our oldest daughter.

Those eyes contain fear. Uncertainty about the future. Questions they have no answers for. Where was God when they needed answers?

And these photos. Taken after our adoption was finalized and while we were in Ethiopia.

Look at Micah’s legs and arms – so thin!

Look at my girls – stiff bodies, anger, barriers, eyes turned away. Where was God as they fought against this new beginning?

I will tell you where God was; where God is.

He is right there beside them. Around them. Loving them.

His LOVE never fails.

His love NEVER fails.

When we look at our circumstances and can’t understand, when we struggle through the pain and emotions of this sinful world, when we hold our crying children, when we listen to the angry words pour out of their mouths….God is there.

His love never FAILS.

I heard a song on the radio while I was driving home. It brought tears to my eyes. This….this is a love song. From the God of the universe. To my children.

My Love is over, it’s underneath, it’s inside, it’s in between

These times that you’re healing and when your heart breaks

The times that you feel like you’ve fallen from grace

The times that you’re hurting, the times that you heal

The times you go hungry and are tempted to steal

In times of confusion, in chaos and pain

I’m there in the sorrow, under the weight of your shame

I’m there in the heartache, I’m there in the storm

My love, I will keep you by My power alone

I don’t care where you’ve fallen or where you have been

I’ll never forsake you, My love never ends.

~Times by Tenth Avenue North

Now look at these pictures…..

Those are not the same eyes.

God’s love is doing a healing work. God’s love is giving joy. God’s love is filling with hope.

No, that work is not complete. It is a process. A sometimes very slow and painful process. But, I am confident of this very thing….

He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. ~Philippians 1:6

Today I am thankful for love. For the love of my family. For the love of my God that is so much bigger than I can ever comprehend.

The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love. ~Zephaniah 3:17

Blessings!

Natalie

“Hurt people hurt people. That’s how pain patterns get passed on, generation after generation after generation. Break the chain today. Meet anger with sympathy…, contempt with compassion, cruelty with kindness. Greet grimaces with smiles. Forgive and forget about finding fault. Love is the weapon of the future.”
Yehuda Berg

I read this quote and immediately wrote it down in my notebook. This is what I have been living. This is what I need to remember. This is what breaks my heart.

Hurt people hurt people.

Leah described her feelings so eloquently. She said, “Mommy, my heart feel like it cooking. It so hot inside my heart. And I say mean words because my heart is so hot. If I do not say mean words, my heart maybe cook all up.”

You understand exactly what she means, don’t you? Her little heart is just starting to deal with a lifetime of hurt. How does she process that? How does she handle the whirlwind of emotions that was unleashed when she stopped ignoring her past?

Some days are better than others. Some hours are better than others. I do not want to make it sound like we are constantly dealing with crisis, but sometimes it feels like we are constantly on the verge of a crisis. Sometimes Leah’s hurt spills out in angry words. Words directed at her brothers, her sisters, her mom and dad. Words directed at the people she feels the safest being real with. Words directed at people she is hoping will love her no matter what she says.

Meet contempt with compassion.

I see myself responding in un-loving ways. I feel my anger building. I taste the bitter words on the end of my tongue. Most of the time I have swallowed those words before I have unleashed them. Sometimes I have not.

The phrase I repeat to myself when I feel like responding with anger is….compassion is my touchstone.

Respond with compassion. Respond with grace. Respond with love. Even when it is hard.

And through all of the mess, surrounding all of the storms, supporting and sustaining the peace we are searching for is God’s all-sufficient love.

We are blessed to be able to parent these children. We are blessed to be able to share our lives and our hearts with them. We are blessed to have been chosen to be their family.

I mean that. With everything within me.

Yesterday, as I was waiting in my van to pick Leah up after school, I watched her walk across the parking lot toward me. Her beaded braids were swinging underneath a pink crocheted hat. Her backpack was slung loosely over one shoulder. Her thin legs were hurrying to join the family. Her beautiful face was smiling.

It is like a snapshot in my head.

And as I watched her, I felt a stab of wonderment pierce my heart. How was it that this child from half a world away, from a completely foreign set of life experiences, from a country and a culture so different from my own…..how was it that this child came to be MY child? How did I get so blessed?

It was God. And it was His plan to create our perfect family from 8 very un-perfect people.

Here am I, and the children the Lord has given me. Isaiah 8:18

Thank you, God, for giving me these children.

Blessings!

Natalie

Here is proof of a little progress – a note I found from Leah one evening.

Dear friends, this last month has been hard.

No.

Not hard.

It has been rough around the edges, painful and messy.

And it has been redeeming, and filled with God’s presence and grace.

For the past six months our children have skated around the edges of their life story. They have talked about only the good and steadfastly ignored the bad. They have masked the pain in their little hearts the best ways they know how.

And then something shifted.

I choose to believe that they finally feel safe enough to be real. They feel secure enough to share their anger.

And, once again, it is our little spitfire of an oldest daughter who is leading the way. She has the most history to deal with. She has the most years to redeem.

Oh, the stories that have come pouring out. It really is as though a dam has burst and nothing can hold back the tears and the truth.

I want to kick Satan in the shins.

The phrase that keeps running through my mind is this….

We are in a battle!

Hear that again, my friends. We are in a battle! And we need your prayer support. Satan would love nothing more than to sell his pack of lies to my daughter. It would make him so happy to see her heart remain angry and bitter and unable to accept the redeeming love of Jesus. He does not want to let her go!

But we are going to battle for her. And we have Jesus on our side!

A song keeps running through my head, over and over again. It has become the anthem of my days.

My strength is in Your name, For You alone can save

You will deliver me, Yours is the victory

I know Who goes before me, I know Who stands behind

The God of angel armies is always on my side

The One who reigns forever, He is a friend of mine

The God of angel armies is always on my side

Do you hear that, Satan? You have no way of holding on to my daughter. The pain and the hurt in her past are just that…in her past! And I have the God of angel armies on my side.

He is on our side. And in our home. And in our hearts. We hold His hand daily. He is our support and our comfort and our strength.

This past Sunday during worship, our pastor asked us to pray. First, we were to pray for a specific need in our lives. Something that we were going through that we needed God’s help with. Of course, my heart cried out for Leah. I prayed over her and over our family. I asked God to do His redeeming work and to give us the strength to see it through.

And then, our pastor asked us to pray for those around us. He asked us to pray blessings into their lives. And this is what I prayed….

“Oh, Lord, if they could feel you. If they could walk daily in your presence. If they could know your love in a very real way in their lives. I would choose the pain and the struggle and the weary days spent walking with you, rather than a life of ease and comfort and never knowing you.”

Friends, we were never called to easy. We were never asked to find the smoothest path and walk it. God doesn’t want our comfort. He wants us to live daily in His presence. And if the way to do that is to walk through something so hard that it demands His support, then I am thankful for the hard.

But I still want to kick Satan in the shins.

And I still want to see my daughter filled with a joy that can come only from her heavenly father.

Listen! The Lord’s arm is not too weak to save you, nor is his ear too deaf to hear your call. Isaiah 59:1

Will you join us in praying over our family? And, specifically, for Leah’s heart to feel the joy of Jesus.

Blessings!

Natalie

This week marks 6 months together as a family.

I had to stop just a moment and read that again. It almost doesn’t seem real to me.

6 months.

This week has also been the hardest week since we returned home from Ethiopia.

I think that many different factors mixed together like so many potent ingredients to form the perfect emotional storm in our household.

Ingredient #1 – The holiday break and all the release from structure that came along with it. I have said before, and I will remind myself again, that my kids do better with a routine and a calm peaceful as un-crazy as possible environment.

Ingredient #2 – Christmas itself. The busyness and excitement that came along with the holiday was almost more than they could handle. Also, all of the talk of family and traditions seemed to stir up the heartache of missing their home in Ethiopia.

Ingredient #3 – Leah having such a long break from school. We are working hard to re-teach our dear girl her role in the family. She is learning how to be a daughter and a sister instead of a mother. When she goes to school, she is surrounded by other girls her own age who serve as “role models” to what a 10-year-old girl should be. When she is home for so long, she slips back into the only role she had ever known.

Ingredient #4 – Scott had to leave town to work for 3 days.

Ingredient #5 – Both of the wonderful babysitters that I have had watch my kiddos were out of town for the holidays.

Ingredient #6 – This mama was tired! Over-tired, over-whelmed, over-emotional, over-done.

Every day brought a new battle.

“He touched my new toy! No touch! It is MINE!”

“He stepped on my blanket! Now it is dirty. Wash it or me no go to bed.”

“She doesn’t listen to me! I no listen to her again! NEVER!”

“She looking at me! Stop looking at me! I no like when you look at me!”

Sweet Jesus, take me now.

It all came to a head on Saturday. My poor, unsuspecting husband came home and I unloaded both barrels at him. All of my stored up anger was unleashed.

I had gone to the gym for 2 hours and when I walked in the door of my house, this is what I saw….

Children roller-skating down the hallways.

Dirty breakfast dishes still on the table.

6 hungry kids who instantly started asking for demanding lunch.

My husband sitting at the computer.

And the laundry pile still sitting on the floor of the living room.

The anger that had been simmering all week suddenly boiled over. Why had he not taken care of any of those things while I was gone? Why was my house still a mess? Wasn’t he supposed to clean everything up for me? And I was pretty sure it was his turn to make lunch! I spent the rest of the day crying and doing my best to hide from my children and my husband. And I texted my friend Jessica. She is a fellow adoptive mom – of 7! I knew she would have the perfect shoulder for me to cry on. Understanding. Soothing. Comforting. I asked her to meet me at Starbucks (and I planned it for bedtime so Scott would have to take care of getting our kids tucked in for the night.)

As I sat and cried and spilled out all of my frustrations to Jessica, I had her response already figured out. She would explain to me how she and her husband divided the household duties. She would tell me what her husband did to keep her from feeling overwhelmed. She would give me the perfect parenting tips for how to handle the behavioral issues that I was dealing with.

Instead she spoke truth.

She told me that Satan was attacking our family. When he sees the redeeming work of adoption being done, boy does it get him riled up! He wants to throw anything he can in our path to try to make us stumble. Behavioral issues from our children? Check. Unexpected expenses? Check. Fighting with my husband? Check. A selfish heart? Check.

She told me that I needed to put my husband first. Ahead of the children and the chores and the expectations. My relationship with him was more important than figuring out the perfect parenting response to the latest crisis. Because a happy marriage is the strong foundation that our children need right now.

She told me that I needed to lower my expectations. No….she means reeeeeaaalllly low. She asked me if they were as low as I could make them. My floor is sticky when you walk into the kitchen? So what! The children are behind in their school work? Who cares! The pile of laundry is taller than my oldest child? No big deal! Let it all go and instead, enjoy this moment with your children. This moment right now. I will never get it back.

I came home Saturday night with a new perspective. I realized that when I walked in the door from the gym earlier in the day, what I should have seen was this…..

Happy, healthy children who are learning to laugh and play together as siblings.

The opportunity to provide nourishment for children who were missing it for so long.

A husband who had spent 1.75 hours playing with our children and who was trying to answer emails and catch up on the work he had missed when he was out of town. A husband who works hard to support our family of 8.

And the laundry pile still sitting on the floor of the living room. (There really is no way around this one. You can’t miss it. It is taller than my oldest child, after all.)

Oh God, forgive me for my selfish heart! I am a work in process, that is for sure. I pray that Jessica’s words stick with me and that I do not let my not-low-enough expectations get in the way of what is really important.

Love.

My husband.

My family.

6 months together as a family. We are ALL still learning lessons. We are ALL still in the adjustment phase. But thank you, Jesus, that we are not where we were 6 months ago.

Apart from each other.

Blessings!

Natalie

Bring back my normalcy! Enough with the crazy….I need a schedule!

So many of you have asked me how our holidays have been. Thank you for asking. And because I don’t want to scare you with the truth, I usually just answer with something bland like, “Our holidays were nice.”

If I had to describe our Christmas season in one sentence it would be….

There were some lovely moments amidst all the chaos.

Like this moment…

Christmas service at church – a beautiful time of celebrating Christ’s birth.

And this one….

Watching The Sound of Music on Christmas Eve

And these….

Cousins

And more cousins

But then there were the other moments.

Like this one….

Two days before Christmas, my in-laws get snowed out of their home and lose power. This would be the house that was originally slated to host Christmas dinner, of course. So my mother and father-in-law, my sister-in-law and my dog-in-law all move into our master bedroom and the little boy’s room. Then my sister and brother-in-law and my adorable niece move into the office. Then my dad and stepmom and youngest brother move into the floor of our living room.

Are you catching all of this? Keep up with me here. This means that 7 out of the 8 original members of our household are all sharing one bedroom. We now have 17 people and 3 dogs staying at our house. And….we are unexpectedly hosting Christmas dinner. For which another 9 people show up.

Kinda funny, isn’t it?

And this moment….

On Christmas morning, after all the present-opening and toy-inspecting, I had the kids take their new belongings up to their bedrooms. I was soon summoned by a certain child who shall remain nameless (her name rhymes with Zeah). She had all of her gifts carefully arranged across the carpet. And she proceeds to explain to me that she did not get the same amount of presents as the others. How unfair! She did not get enough!

And this one….

As we lay in bed discussing Christmas traditions and family, one child asks when we are going back to Ethiopia. We explain that we would love to go back and visit someday, maybe 2 or 3 years from now. Then, this sweet soul says, “Me no visit. Me stay in Ethiopia. Need help my mom. She say you get big, you come back and help.” As we gently explained that we are a family now and that they will all be living in America with us, the tears start to fall. Quietly into the pillow. Crying themselves to sleep.

Our children are still adjusting to the over-stimulation that is America. They do very well handling all of the new, but it does not take much to overwhelm them. I have had to turn down party invitations and re-adjust plans because I know that the end result will not be pretty. In fact, I have to segment my errand-running because too many errands in one day is cause for meltdown. What must the Christmas season seem like to them?

Imagine spending your life in a one-room home. There is no TV. No video games. No electricity. No car. No books and toys. Almost every meal consists of the same food, when you are lucky enough to have a meal. One outfit that you wear every day. To pass the time you play outside. A marble-type game played with rocks. Using sticks to build a bird trap. Trying to catch the mouse that lives in the patch of weeds across the street. Braiding your sister’s hair.

And then you come here. To America. How do you process something like that?

Sometimes it shows up in a hoarding-like mentality. “I went without food before. I used to not have any toys. Now I see food and toys everywhere. Maybe I should take as much as I can now, just in case it all goes away again.”

Sometimes it looks like over-reaction. Yelling and pushing because someone touches your belongings. Being hyperactive and loud and fidgety. Crying over every little ache and pain so that they will receive comfort and love.

Sometimes it looks like defiance and attitude. A little bit of testing. “Do they really love me? Is this really forever? How will they treat me if I disobey?”

These kinds of behaviors and issues are best handled in a safe, secure, predictable environment. Having a schedule and some structure to their day seems to make them feel less of a need to test me. I am beyond proud of the growth I have seen in my children. They have beautiful hearts. But they are still in the adjustment phase.

So how was our Christmas season? Well, we focused on what was important. We celebrated the birth of Christ. We read a story for advent every night. We let the kids put out the manger scene and talked about the characters. We read the Christmas story before we opened even one present.

And next year will be better!

Right?

Blessings!

Natalie

This weekend, two years ago, I was happily finishing my Christmas shopping for my “complete” family of 4 with no thought that my world was about to change.

And then God got my attention and started tearing down pieces of my heart so He could move right in and take over.

I never knew before that I had more room in my life, in my home, in my heart, and in my plans. I never knew before that I was missing someone.

And when we allowed Him in, God brought a love for my children even before I knew them. He placed this love in my heart. He nurtured it. He grew it. All I had to do was accept it.

This weekend, last year, I started crying in Barnes and Noble.

I was finishing the last of our Christmas shopping in the children’s book section. For some reason, a floppy-legged, patchwork stuffed horse caught my eye. I picked it up and was overwhelmed with a longing for my children whom I had never met.

These children were half a world away from me, I knew not their names or their faces, but I prayed for them daily. I prepared a room for them in my home. I longed to hold them in my arms. And now, I was going to buy them a Christmas present, even if they were not here to open it.

I purchased that patchwork horse and a stuffed turtle night-light. (At this point, I was only planning on 2 more children, remember!)

I wrapped both presents and put them under our tree. On Christmas morning, Joel and Hannah opened these presents. Then we placed them in the empty bedrooms while we waited for our coming sons or daughters.

A floppy-legged horse just waiting for a child to love him.

And this weekend, this year, as I sat in church with my family, I started crying again. I looked down the row at all those little faces, upturned and filled with radiance, trying to mouth the words to songs they had never heard before. These beautiful little souls that have been placed in my family by a benevolent Father. A Father who sent His own son to earth, all those years ago.

And as unexpected as the gift of four more children might have been, I am eternally grateful to the giver of perfect gifts.

Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights. James 1:17

Joy filled my heart and overflowed in my tears as we sang this song….

Joy, unspeakable joy

And overflowing where no tongue can tell

Joy, unspeakable joy

Rises in my soul, never lets me go.

What a blessed Christmas gift we received this year. Four more children to love.

What a blessed Christmas gift we have all received. If we will only accept it.

For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only son, that whoever believes in Him will not perish but have eternal life. John 3:16

Blessings!

Natalie

6:45 am My alarm goes off. I hit the snooze button and wish for 5 more minutes. I reluctantly get out of bed, pack Leah’s lunch, wake her up so she can get ready for school, feed her breakfast and check my email. The other kids start to tumble downstairs one at a time.

7:15 Hannah

7:30 Micah and Levi

8:00 Joel

8:15 Naomi

I make a pot of coffee and work on the waffles that my children have requested for breakfast.

8:30 We are all sitting around the table eating.

8:50 Children are fed and kitchen is clean so I get ready for the day. (Today, this does not include a shower…just a lot of body spray!)

9:30 I am back in the kitchen prepping for our picnic lunch.

A lot of oranges for a lot of kiddos!

9:45 All the kids are at the table and we start our school work.

10:30 Snack time

10:50 Kids start finishing their morning work and trickle off to get dressed. Yes, I know it is almost 11:00 and we are still in our pajamas. This is one of the benefits of home schooling!

11:15 I finish packing our picnic lunch, throw a load in the washing machine, gather sweatshirts and water bottles and herd children towards the minivan.

11:40

11:45

11:50

11:55 Leave our house, heading to the park. We spend the next couple of hours running, climbing, swinging and playing with our baby cousin Eva. During this time I feed, water and clean 6 children, kiss 1 skinned knee, wipe 2 snotty noses and mediate 3 disagreements.

Cousins

2:00 Pick up Leah from school

2:15 Arrive home and the kids get their 30 minutes of electronic time. I spend this 30 minutes unpacking the car, listening to voicemail, going through mail, starting the dishwasher, packing my gym bag, wrapping a birthday present, transferring laundry to dryer and paying a couple of bills.

3:00 All kids to table to finish our school work/Leah’s homework. When they finish their assignments they cut out snowflakes and eat their afternoon snack.

4:00 Load up and leave house, heading to the gym. I spend a lovely hour in class, sweating and having quality ME time!

5:30 We arrive at the Matos home for a family birthday party. Thank you Jessica for feeding my family dinner!

7:00 I send Joel and Scott off to stand in line for their first ever midnight premiere event!

Off to see the Hobbit!

7:45 We arrive home. I facilitate pajamas, teeth brushing, bathroom using, drinks of water, taking of medicine and saying of prayers. I also feed the dogs and wipe a bottom.

8:30 I come downstairs after the first round of tucking everyone in. Tonight is a good night! I never get called back upstairs. Everyone goes right to sleep!

8:35 I start unloading the dishwasher and pull the laundry out of the dryer. My phone rings. A dear friend is in crisis. I spend the next hour listening to her cry and praying for her.

9:30 Going to finish unloading that dishwasher and folding those clothes! Nope…another dear friend who I have not talked to in 5 months calls. We spend a lovely 30 minutes chatting and she reminds me of the importance of listening to your children. Don’t let the tasks of the day interfere with the job of being available when your kids need you!

10:00 I prep lunches for tomorrow and decide the dishes and laundry can wait for another day!

My days are filled with the mundane. Dishes. Laundry. Feeding. Washing. Mediating. It is so easy for me to focus on the tasks that need to be accomplished and to lose sight of what is really important. And then, every now and then, I experience a moment that reminds me – I am doing work that will last for eternity. This. Mothering. It is eternal.

Last week, Scott walked into the kitchen as I was making yet another meal for the family. He smiled and said, “Honey, you are living the dream!” I swatted his behind as he walked by, but his tongue-in-cheek comment stuck in my mind.

It is true.

I am living my dream.

My whole life I knew that I wanted to be a mother. I wanted to stay home with my children. I wanted to be the one who wiped their noses and kissed their scraped knees. I wanted to be the one who hugs them when they wake up and when they go to sleep.

You see, here are some events from my day that did not make my task list….

When Levi woke up and climbs into my arms, lays his head on my shoulder and settles in for some Mommy cuddles.

I am loading the dishwasher and listening to Joel and Micah play wrestling in the other room. As Joel holds Micah in a head lock, he says, “I love you, brother.”

Naomi writes her name for the first time as “Naomi P.”

Leah sits next to me and asks me to kiss her forehead. For no reason really. Just because. And then she asks a second time.

After I finish my class at the gym, I walk through the door and Hannah drops what she is doing, runs up to me to give me a hug, and says, “I missed you.”

At the park Micah falls down while he is running. Hannah puts her arm around his shoulder and leads him over to where I am sitting.

Joel and I are discussing a situation that needs prayer, he says, “Mom, let’s pray about this right now.” And then he kneels down and talks to Jesus.

I watched a video recently with an interview of a house mother in the Bring Love In ministry. Do you remember? The ministry we worked with while we were in Ethiopia? They partner widows and orphans and create forever families.

This mother said something that I love.

“Some people preach. Some people sing. This is what I do. I mother.”

This is what I do.

I mother.

Blessings!

Natalie

Today was a good day. A very good day. The kind of day that makes me thankful, yet again, that we said yes. The kind of day that at the end of it, knowing that I have 6 sweet souls asleep upstairs, I can see that we took more steps forward than we took back. The kind of day that makes those other days worth it.

Today we did our chores without complaining.

We finished our school work and we were still smiling.

We played cards, had sack races, and laughed together.

We enjoyed hot-out-of-the-oven pumpkin bread.

We wrapped Christmas presents.

We ate dinner without one whine or negotiation.

Every night around the dinner table we play “High/Low.” We take turns sharing the best part of our day and the worst. Tonight some of the highs were…

-Daddy come home for lunch today

-This dinner very yummy

-Mommy no more sick (after 4 days in bed with the flu)

(On a side note, I just have to share this about my husband. He is amazing! He loves better than anyone I know. But he cooks and cleans worse than anyone I know. Being Mr. Mom for 4 days almost did him in. I snapped this picture when he came in to ask me for help while making dinner. True story….his question was, “If I am doubling the recipe and making 2 boxes of Mac and Cheese, do I need to double the time that I boil the water?”)

I love you even if you can’t cook, honey….

But just as surely as this day was good, there are days that stretch me to my limits. There are times when I cry, and I worry, and I think that I can not take one more thing without breaking.

Adoption is a beautiful thing, but it is born out of brokenness and grief.

Our children come to us with a story all their own. And really, much of their story we do not yet know. But we can see the effects of their past in so many ways. We feel it. We hear it. We live it.

My pastor preached a sermon recently on suffering. And something he said resonated within me. It is something I believe for each of my children.

God is the Lord over what breaks your heart. One day He will defeat it, but until then, not one tear is wasted.

One day He will defeat it.

God holds each of my children in the palm of His hand. He will defeat their brokenness. He will defeat their pain. He will defeat their suffering. He will defeat their grief.

That is not my job. I can leave this to the One who knows best. My job is only to love them.

Right now three things remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love. 1 Corinthians 13:13

I have faith in the One who is their redeemer.

I have hope for their future.

I have love for today.

So tonight, I will treasure the goodness from today. I will thank the Lord for these sweet glimpses into the hearts of my children. Sometimes, I feel as though their true personalities are still struggling to break through the pain. And today, love won.

Blessings!

Natalie